WHAT IF THE SOCIETY CONSIDERS CHANGING THESE 10 PERCEPTIONS?

So, I’m behind this desk, balled up like the first gizmo in the Gremlins book/movie. I have these many ideas wanting to live in words and I’m explaining why I can’t write a thing a.t.m.

Then, I overhear this kind colleague, in a show of good gesture, chiding an intern in the next office that “ma je ko ba e de ile oko”. The loose interpretation of that seemingly well-meaning advice is “don’t let this habit (attitude, you dig?) follow you to your marital home.”

Harmless.

Well-meaning.

But enough to make me want to push out some of the things I think about what society wants from us. Of course, I’ll start with the above (and understandably take a lot of time on it):

  1. MARRIAGE IS ULTIMATE

When I see friends get married, I am always very elated for them. (News: I have been a BestMan once. For my bestie).

When I get home after attending a wedding, around night time, or early the next morning (usually Sunday), I chuckle in the comfort of my privacy when I think of buzzing up my friends that just got married. I know it is mischievous. I expect them to be busy doing stuff we expect newly-weds to be doing. I’m happy for them. I’m happy they will be waking up to see the face they love for the rest of their wedded life. I am happy that at some point, they will have little ones who will call them mom and dad. I’m happy they can support each other and achieve set goals for their lives and family. I’m happy that when things go stormy, at least, someone has their back.

But I somehow do not see the absence of all these things in a man or woman’s life as an ultimate misery.

For society to make people feel miserable because they do not yet wear a wedding band on their fingers when the society deems them due, is to me, choking. And the misery.

For society to keep telling people (both male and female) that they had better change a particular attitude BEFORE they get married is to me propping up marriage to be equal to Paradise.

But, dear society, we both know that marriage hasn’t exactly been Paradise for all those you have pushed inside it. Do you wonder why they are getting out by the number daily? Maybe if you have allowed them to really choose while you don’t keep telling them about biological clocks and whether they want to use pension money to raise their kids and rah-rah-rah like that, maybe, just maybe, they won’t be dissolving such hastily arranged unions.

Hey society, take this ‘muri kan’ tip: why not instead advise them to get a marketable skill or certification or two or both BEFORE they get married. Well sha, what do I know?

Dear society, stop putting people in miseries that would otherwise be non-existent if you haven’t set up these you must marry by fire structures.

  1. FOR A FAILED CHILD-RAISING, BLAME THE MOTHER

Children are beautiful things. I mean, I was cuter when I was a child. Pictures then had no photoshop! LOL. One moment, they are crying and wetting their diapers, the next, they are running up the stairs and jumping everywhere, and the next, they are saying goodbyes to the homes they grew up in. Some turn out to be what is generally accepted as good, while others just become what the Yorubas call iyakuya.

Who gets the blame? The mother, most of the time. I read some statistics a few years ago in a radio message transcript titled Future Fathers. The statistics was revealing. Though, based in the USA, it was revealed that over 60 percent of cases of most adolescent pregnancies, early substance abuse, rape culprits, jailbirds, etc were from homes without fathers.

I have male siblings mostly and our mom was very tough on us growing up. We thought she was being unnecessarily mean. Thinking about it now, we have only praises for her. She stood as a tough figure because Dad was usually away on work. But when we talk among ourselves today, the truth about why we didn’t turn out wayward despite mom’s legendary toughness was because dad would kill us whenever he comes back. His fatherhood was always with us even when he was physically absent. He wouldn’t take a single nonsense from any of us boys. And that was the prevailing reason we all chose to turn out right.

  1. MOTHERS DESERVE MORE PRAISE

This is an offshoot of the previous point. Because successful parenting is the work of both parents, fathers should get as much celebrating as mothers do. Mothers’ Days are usually the celebration. Dps, posts, tweets, IG photos, phone calls, gifts, special prayers, etc. We practically deify our mothers on that day. The celebration (or more like lack of it) on Fathers’ Day no be am at all. I am guilty of this too. We know, fathers cannot do what is biologically required of mothers, but that should never be a factor, because that will never happen on a large scale. I mean, all fathers won’t do transpregnancy, transantenatal, transbreastfeeding, transtakethebabyforpostnatal, transwhatmothersusuallylovetowanttodo. Okay, I will speak for myself. I won’t. But, fathers feel the anguish too. Because I know that when I’m ill, the strain usually tells on the people around me too. I see in their eyes the pain or strain wreaking my body. It is a bit like that too with fathers and Stuff Only Mothers Can Do.

But really, fathers deserve as much praise from children as their mothers. Maybe if we took time to imagine what life would be (for those that have fathers or had them for enough time to be impacted by them) if these men were there and non-functional or not there at all (death, separation, etc), we who have/had them would understand how awesome and amazing fathers really are.

To be continued…

Thanks all for reading and following koroba.

Because this is a possible discussion starter, kindly let me know what you think about the three points made so far.

Akintunde is on twitter ke! @akintundeaiki

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8 thoughts on “WHAT IF THE SOCIETY CONSIDERS CHANGING THESE 10 PERCEPTIONS?

  1. Thank you. I only wish the stakeholders reinforcing these yamayama orientations weren’t multiplying by the day. I wish people will listen. *sigh*
    The third point though, I’m too blinded by experience and resentment to agree completely.

    Like

  2. Ah yes. Marriage is the ultimate for many. And aso long as you are married, what else is left to do? SMH.

    Can the fourth one be about the people not interested in having children? And the guilt they are immediately made to feel because of the decision.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I still have issues in my mind with that first one. I mean, my head knows better, but over two decades of conditioning colours my thinking a lot. Sometimes it just comes up unconsciously. It’s work in progress for me though. thanks Akintunde

    Liked by 1 person

  4. And Christianity (the Nigerian remix) is doing a greater disservice.
    “All singles wait behind for special marriage prayers….” Most times I’m like thank God singles actually mean single ladies a.k.a sisters in church (the Nigerian remix), do I power walk myself home.
    By the way, is it your single? And the irony of it all we sometimes find ourselves making sly remarks about marriage to friends who we consider old enough to settle down.
    Maybe he God Lord give us the wisdom to mind our business and the superglue to shut our mouth when we want to re-emphasize society’s rubbish.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am so guilty of reminding my friends old enough for marriage that the clock is ticking. Ironical it is. I am due for marriage. I get pained when I call to say hello to an aunt and I get the “what are you waiting for ?” lecture. Recently, an uncle, distant one sef, gave me a lecture, in front of his beautiful wife at a funeral party(of all places). He asked why it had not getting married? I stuttered my reply. Next, do you have a girlfriend? I, stuttering, stuttered the reply again. Thank God my remaining self esteem could carry my body. I walked away, looking for a bowl of salad to make me feel better.

    Like

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